|diary ~ feverarry 18, 287, 2:80AM ~ i put my diary online as a cruel self punishment|
one day I'll Organise it maybeFeelings Vomit!!!
EVERYBUDDY ECCEPT ME IS real fucked up and crying
I'm a trans person.
in my case that means that i'm a woman who was a boy for a while and now i'm kind of a woman but often on a daily basis people cant tell what i am. like im all put together funny and i'm physically sort of both and neither and people cant tell what i am. mostly i dont care cuz most people either mistake me for a normal woman, or they cant tell and they treat me like a normal person and just resign themselves that theres somthing fishy about me, or they decide i'm a trans-sumthing and try to be nice to me. sometimes people go back and forth between calling me sir and mam and i dont care anymore cuz i think its funny.
I've been wanting to say something about this cuz its important and really weird but i havent felt like talking about it. I'm a non out trans person. for me that means that "i refuse to talk about it ever with bio-people". cuz i dont think i can dialogue with anybuddy about it who isnt either also trans or my intimate lover. and even when i have a lover or a close trans friend i dont have much to say about stuff anymore. i been trans my whole life and undergoing various therapies for 5 years and i've hit this weird resignation about it.
about 2 years ago i had this weird kind of burnout in my head. after years of feeling weird and awkward and ugly and fucked up and sick and wrong and impossible to fit in the world there was this voice in my head that just bombed my saddness and freaked out ness. this beserker nymph blood coverered princess zombie halucination came up to me when i was lost on trains somewhere in minesota in the cold. i was freezing in the wind and damp and on lots of drugs and realy realy lost hurt and alone and sad feeling and this halucination came up to me and she said, "know what? you will always be like this! you will always be weird and broken and mutated. you are covered with scars inside and out from surviving a thousand bad desperate choices and rotten luck! GET THE FUCK UP AND CHOKE IT DOWN AND WALK."
iTS working. kinda...
i'm lucky. im still cute at 32. i'm healthy. and between being a housing activist, a noise punk puppet-er, a notorious dirty kid, and my trans peer support stuff, i have a million friends and everybuddy loves me. and i do lots of weird art and activist crappola that keeps me busy and makes me feel usefull.
let me blab about stealth stuff for a sec, cuz i'm waiting for music to download:
stealth is totally fucking imaginary. my life is so weird its rediculous. like i have close female friends who dont know i'm trans and try to get me to skinny dip with them and talk about my period. and i have all theese gay boy friends who think whatever i am is bad ass and they let me hang with them and they seem willing to let me identify as this weird dyke-faggot hybrid monster. those fuckin' gays totally know i'm a trans sumthing but they're also nice enuff to not ever talk to me about it. often i'm at a party or sumthing and theres 100 people i know and some of them probably know im trans and some of them dont and most of them i have no idea what they know.
i tried to make this invention called the stealth standard deviation graph
a-think i'm normal
b=think i'm a really weird androgenous gender queer butch woman
c=cant tell what i am and wonder about it or spread weird rumours about how i'm a genderless alien (serious)
d=think i'm allright as far as trans women go
e=OMFG shemale mutant!
tHIS TABLE IS %110 TOTALLY VARIABLE TO POSTURE DIET WEATHER CONDITIONS AND WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.
i mean seriously. last week i was at a party and talking to some guy, and then i spaced out for a sec and was daydreaming about some thing i forgot about, and then the guy was like, "hey wait a sec... are you a dude ?? holy shit what?"
and i was like "i'm a fucking hermaphrodite mutherfucker. 0ne in every 10000 children are born like me"
and then he said something stupid i dont remember and tried to lift my fucking skirt up. so i stuck my broken shotgun (i bring it to parties sometimes to be funny) in his face and yelled "BLAM YOU DEAD MUTHERFUCKER!"
and then i wandered off to go talk to other people and he got all upset and was yelling at my friend k. k asked me if i was allright. i was like "yeh, i totally shot that guy, so whatever"
every day i bike down the street and theres dumb guys hitting on me on one side of the street and yelling "what the fuck are you ?" on the other....
I'm being really bad a trans peer support lately
i have exactly 2 close trans friends in this city and i never hang out with them. i'm being really horrible and i hate this but they're both going through all this really familiar alienation and lonliness and anxiety and horror and i can't take it anymore cuz i cant process this stuff anymore. i just cant even feel it anymore.
i cant tell if i'm healthy or not. i feel realy good since i've burnt out the little part of my head that worried and cried about how i was stuck as this awful aberation. that ive been really happy at life art and work helps, my good luck streak keeps me alive but i still feel timid about being happy. i've been a dorky fuckup tranny headcase deathbate for so long that doing good feels like wearing clothes that fit to tight. i find that the more people are nice to me the more i'm retreating in to a shell and being unable to comunicate and socialise. so instead i kinda chain smoke and substance abuse alot. i quit drinking for almost 2 months but eveybuddy arround me just disgusted and revolted me with their stupid cheap vomit NORMAL HUMAN LIVES that i was freaking loosing my mind i wound up doing retarded amounts of drugs.
i hate dance parties. i was at this party were everyone was drunk and dancing to dirty south hip hop and evyone was in their underwear and i got it on with this really hot tom boy dyke friend of mine and then in the middle of us practicly fucking in the bathroom stall i lost it and mumbled out of there and then went to go hide. fags and dykes are alwasy trying to make out with me when they're drunk. why the fuck does it make me upset that people think i'm hot ?"
i got a dozen girls and guys who are really hot for me now and its making me upset. isn't that the most idiotic thing you ever heard. i got scars...
my friend maybe and me had this fight last summer about how i suck at hitting on guys i like. to prove it she wound up getting drunk with this guy i had a crush and giving him a hand job. i broke all her CDs as a thankyou.
last time i screwed up the courage to tell a friend i wanted to fuck her she got all embarassed and then stopped being my friend 3 days later. my faith in the direct approach is real low now.
i have a secret girlfriend named cake in another city. she likes me alot and i like her something awfull. we hide in bed together for days and climb buildings and sit there on the roof talking about how we hate having to be functional people. i'm sabaotoging our thing we have with all this distance so i dont have to think about what our relation ship is. i adore her but i dont return her calls, i just stare at her number coming up on my phone and feel bad that i'm not gonna talk to her anytime soon. i dont call my best freind or my mom either. know why? my mom, my best friend and cake are all sad crazy people and i dont have anything to talk about.
i have an antiboyfriend. i anti dated this fucked up alcholic junkie named trifle, for 8 months. we never really fucked. instead we'd get as wasted as possible and then lie in eachothers arms telling eachother "I'M REALLY FUCKING WASTED... I FUCKING HATE YOU.... GOD I'M FUCKING WASTED" my favourite parts of last year where us drinking huge amounts of whisky and driving his car arround drunk and trading cigarettes and vomiting out the window. he always would fucking ruin it though by hitting on normal chicks in front of me. and then i'd get pissed and ditch him and he'd come chasing me begging me to keep hanging out with him and he'd give me more alchol/drugs.
i'm using his computer right now. i just tipsy drove him home after i found him passed out in his car a block away from the bar. he'd been lumbering arround the bar telling people to go fuck themselves and he ate a huge pile of pills. he'd run in to this girl he'd been in love with all year and told her to drop dead and never talk to him again. the entire time i had a crush on trifle he'd been hung up on her and being a complete depressed basket case about it. shes also one of my favourite friends. this was all compounded by this other ex girl friend of trifle's being all suicidal all week.
i drove him home and i'm sleeping on the couch and stealing his ice cream. he's too depressing to cuddle and he's taken to sleeping curled up in a ball with his shoes on with 3 pints of drink in him in this pile of cushions were i cant get anywhere near him anyways. i used to wish he'd let me be close to him but now i' just like ok, he's my antiboyfriend. that i care about him so much is %50 cuz i like to watch him suffer. he's drunk punching the dashboard of his car and playing the same song over and over on the radio and telling me i'm the only person who he can talk to who gives a shit about him and he knows i hate him as much as i adore him. i keep him arround cuz hes the only person i can talk to theese days without wanting to pull my hoodie over my face and run away. trifle and cake too, but i dont call her cuz i need giant empty vast vacuums of space arround me, so i can have doomed crushes on really broken addicts.
my other boy pirate will, is worse. willy and i used to fuck arround, usually while snorting coke and smoking blunts. with but theese days his brain is so scortched he doesnt make any fucking sense any more. when i go see him we smoke blunts and draw and then he wants to get hand jobs while he pulls my hair and we watch cartoons. i'd be more in to that if he could actually converse or sumthing.
today my will showed up at my house with his boys he roles with, all drunk and high and he was like," c'mon come fucking party with me, i'm sick a theese assholes and wanna fucking party with you." so i got in the car and we drove arround for a bit but then he was all drunk beligerant and got in a fight with his friend who punched him in the head and through him out of the moving car. we drove on smoking a joint with my boy lieing blocks back on the sidewalk and i couldnt even think of what to think about it. i stayed at boys house untill he got home and then he just bumbled arround the kitchen grumbling and then he passed out on the floor. came to 3 hours later and just lay there on the floor screaming. i tried to talk to him but he just lay there fucking screaming "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrr!!!!" god, i can not fucking do this. i got up and walked the fuck out of there. in flipflops with no bike 3 miles from home cuz i drove there in his friends car cuz he told me to get in the car and go party with him. so i walked over to the bar to find my trifle lanking arround on $100 worth of junk telling everyone off for no reason.
hekker was there too. me and hekker used to hang out infront of the store he worked at across the street from the restaurant i worked at. we'd have drinking races where we'd see who could drink a coke or a coffee or a whisky fastest while he waited for deliveries and i waited for dishes. one night we had a really fun drinking race that resulted in us fucking in somebudies front yard where we fell off our bikes being silly and trying to knock eachother over while we were biking. two days later i went to see him and i told him i liked him and wanted him. we got all making out and stuff and then suddenly he was "stop wait sorry stop...."
said he couldnt get with me cuz he has a bad history of drunk hook ups, boys and girls, and hes burnt out destroyed emotionaly from all the one night stands.
so if we make what we have a one night stand that will help ??
"ok hek, whatever"
i ran in to him 2 days later, him sitting on the sidewalk high on mushrooms. he started crying on my shoulder about how he has to get away from drinking to much and living in punk houses. asked me to move in with him and quit my house. "what the fuck is your fucking problem !??!?", i snarked at him. "i'm really not in to people sleeping with me once and then telling me sorry they just wanna be friends...if your gonna fuck me and then put this big wedge between us and then ask me to be your fucking emotional support system you can fucking drop dead and die for all i fucking care."
and he was on mushrroms so he turned white and curled up and started crying. jesus.
we dont hang out anymore but thats entirally cuz i quit the restaurant. and hek moved to the other side of town and quit punk and became all working class society. i really like hekker and hes actually the most well adjusted of my boy interests. but i cant bear to have another guy friend who i like who tries to sabatage everything between us.
hekker came up to me at the bar. "hey i miss you and we never hang out any more and i miss you"
i just kinda mumbled at him and wandered away. i dont have anything to talk about. and i had to find trifle cuz i just wanna hang out with trifle cuz hes the only fucked up sad substance abuse hate case i can handle a misery loves company relationship with. as far as thats concerned trifle and me are perfect. its a good thing he never lets me have any dope cuz i keep trying to get him to kick me some. he says he's trying to quit but thats probably not gonna happen too soon. as i said, trifle had done a huge dose of pills and insulted 20 people and passed out at the wheeel of his car.
mary belle is furiously phoning me over and over while i type this. if shes calling me over and over at 5 am its cuz shes suicidally depressed. i'm not fucking answering the phone cuz i dont wanna fucking hear about it. that and she keeps telling me a weak sucker for running arround with a peice of shit like trifle. i can do whatever the fuck i want.
i can do whatever the fuck i want. lots of drugs. started drinking again cuz i have to. yelling at people. break stuff.
i mean i'm doing pretty good. i do lots of projects and have a million friends and everybuddy wants to sleep with me at least once. i feel like i'm in a burning building with all my friends and everybuddy is walking arround with blood pouring out of their heads with blurry vision asking "what the hell is going on??!"
i've been getting too fucked lately. i get all this work done so none ever calls me on my growing problem. missing days. whole fucking days missing out of my memory. i hear back from my friends that i'm ambulating arround on those days. weird stuff. i chased a friend of mine with a knife. threw dishes out the window. barge in to a restaurant and steal food right off someones plate and run out again. chasing people arround the bar with my funny broken shot gun yelling "BLAM !!!!" "I HATE THIS PARTY !!! I HATE ALL MY FRIENDS !!! FUCK EVERYTHING YOU STUPID FAGGOTS !!!"
I attacked a band the other week during a black out. flipped over a whole table of CDs and a guitar case full of money. coins and bills flying everywhere. everybuddy was cheering when thAT happened "yay! fuck everything !!!" they hollered back "fuck me and fuck you too !!!"
jesus. what the hell is wrong with you people. i just called you fags and broke your stuff.
dickie was crying at me for a minute tonight while i was having my awkwardness with hekker. shes not mad at me anymore but she was drunk and fighting with this girl she had a crush on because she was all awkward cuz she was really drunk. "lily i'm still hurt that you broke my fucking desk... i mean why the fuck did you come in my room and break my desk ??! i mean, i dont care, it was a garbage desk anyways and maybe you where pissed off at me cuz i'm always drunk and i dont do enuff work on the house and i suck at everything. but like... just dont break my stuff ok ?? i know im a scum fuck street trash and i'm sorry ok. i'm just not good at shit.."
godamit dickie, what the hell are you talking about ?! i dont even remember breaking her desk. i was in the middle of a 24 hour long blackout.
i'm not even really drinking that much really. really. honest. serious. like my blackouts are triggered by alchol but often i'm not even that drunk. last week i was digging up the garden and trifle showed up.
"hey darlin' i'm making a compost bin."
"thats more than i care to do toady. im drinking this pint of whisky"
then everything disapeared for 24 houses and i have this vaugue memory of crashing in trifles bed.
trifle stumbles from the car to the appartment and he's too drunk to walk right. "your in my fucking way !!"
"well lie here with me..."
"fuck you, i'm sleeping on the floor"
"fine, sleep on the fucking floor you godamn faggot! why the hell you take me home if your gonna kick me outa bed??"
"your my only friend and i hate you"
thats all i remember out of the 24hour black out where i smashed dickies desk. i woke up on trifles floor the next morning with no idea where i was, halucinating shadow monsters leering at me off the ceiling. trifle woke me up with a steak breakfast and fancy coffee. then we read organic chemistry books together all day, trying to figure out if we're collectivly smart enuff to synthesise stuff.
i dont mind the black outs. the same blood cover fairy princess halucination who told me to sholder all my stupid sorry for my self problems and get up and fucking walk, she is also the fairy godmother of my walking blackouts. tiny fragmenst in my memory of me throwing a chair across a bar and screaming "I HATE ALL OF YOU !!!" And the blood covered fairy princess is standing beside me telling me to turn all my hurt in to hate and i can send it all away in to the atmosphere. then i black out again. tommorow or the next day people will tell me what i did and i can blame it on my mind going funny to the point that theres imaginary blood fairies telling me to break stuff.
last week after my band played a show hekker's best friend jackson was hitting on me. "hey i really like your noise metal shit. i been working on some stuff like that. mostly playing bass and effects. im making this thing so i can do this power noise super harsh noise project. you know just like blast harsh noise so people have to run outta the room. god you wanna get outta here? all theese people are fucking driving me nuts.. i hate everybuddy. lets go get somthing to drink."
i wanted him but i had to load out our equipment. and the whole time he was talking to me trifle was circling me and putting his arm arround me at the expense of leaving his work consoling the suicidal ex girlfreind who sat crying out on the sidewalk in front of the bar.3 days ago trifle ditched me at a bar to go hit on his ex. "same old shit" i thought. i took off on my bike. went home. kicked over the kitchen table and dirty dishes and food sprayed everywhere. cried for like 30 seconds and then i was like "what the fuck am i crying about ?!?!?! 6 hours later trifle comes bareling in my bedroom door while i'm lieing there not sleeping staring the wall. "i woke up under the pool table and you'd left the bar. i thought my back pack was stolen and i kept acusing people of stealign it. but i was wearing it." then we cuddled, passed out, he woke up before me and sat chain smoking in a chair for 2 hours.
i told jackson i'd call him. trifle wanted me to go get drunk with him but i told him to go take care of his girl. i went and sat on top of our equipmenyt with k and we marvelled at how guys were hitting on us even tho our band is really kinda absurdly awful.
if i hook up with jackson then i only need 2 more manic depressive wasted antiboyfriends and i got a half dozen.
i play this game alot called what-the-hell-is-going-on !??! where i try to decide if my relationship life is like this cuz i'm horribly unlucky or cuz i'm only attracted to really broken guys. if i am in fact so hung up on this fantasy of having a real relationship with one of thesewretches then how come anytime somebuddy hits on me i throw up this big "godammit fuck off leave me alone" vibe? suspicious !!
at least i can feel like its not my disgusting fault anymore. guys like me in spite of my repugnance. i still stand there in my room everymorning starring at my self in the mirror and a see the look of bemused bullshit bewilderation on my stupid face. "my god, i have to spend another fucking day walking arround in public with this for a body??!"
at least i'm not all depressed and crazy. i never get sad ever any more. sometimes i cry or attack people but the emotion of sadness i have ceased feeling. i think i'd have every right to be a little bit sad if i was still capable of feelings. whats up with all theese fragile little boys ? why am i the sanest most well adjusted kid in the jaded bullshit parade ??
YOUR FAVOURITE songs to listen to on repeat while your in a foul mood!!!
driving arround drunk listening to him listen to the same song over and over again
its not me. its you !
the passability bar graph totally got munched by burnt out HTML.. crap...