Self Destruction


its the rest of that story about [me helping] may-be setting her house on fire!!

about 16 hours elapse...

me and mary belle sat out on my front porch. we had a fifth of whisky and a pack of cigarettes she'd bought herself as a oh-shit-I've-really-fucked-myself present. may-be rarely drinks but makes up for lost time when she does so i had to keep close if i wanted my share.

about 2 hours earlier i had to wander arround looking for her for an hour and 50 minutes. she and me were sitting on a busted concreat lump in the rail yard a few blocks from my house watching trains build and she just slipped back in to panic-anxiety space and tore off. disapeared.she just charged off without explanation.

"hey!!", i had hollered after her. "you goin to pee ?"

i found her after walking up and down the tracks for an hour and fifty minutes, back home on my porch. she'd walked along a drainage ditch till she got to the gasstation and then she'd bought snacks and distracted herself. now she was TIPPSY which ment that her UPSET got SILLY.
and that meant her talking non-sequitorial splatter shot.

<td>out of respoect to my friend may-be, i can't tell her story like its mine to tell. i'm gonna give the short version tho cuz its gonna get me from here to the END of this story I'm telling. ok not so much the short version but more like this is me and my own head pretending that I'm mary belle, playing her in this part of the story.dig ? which works cuz we share this stuff cuz we both know it. and I'm telling this story cuz if you're reading a trans-punk zine then, great or small, you prolly know this too... </td>

may-be k. sitting in a decaying wingback chair that the elements were rotting off my porch. drinking and smoking non filtereds with her hair tucked behind her ears:

"its like everything just challenges me. everything is defining me and being in my way...

like my housemates and their freinds... all theese fucking do gooder college white kids. I LIVE IN AN OLD POOR BLACK NEIGHBOURHOOD AND i'm trying to slot in to it and get to know my neighbours... it embarasses me to have all thees white college kids from up north arround me. cuz thats what my neighbours see and think of my house,.. but that is what i am.. i just been here longer...

when i left the mountains it was cuz i thought the mountains were a closed off place full of people who didnt know no so-fisti-cation. i wanted to go live in the city and see all kinds of crazy shit and smart people doin stuff and counter culture and all. cuz in the mountains there was like 3 kids i knew in my whole 100 mile radious life who where fucked up and smart and crazy like me. we'd listen to metal and do black magic rituals we made up and make theater where we'd go in to town and fuck with people and make up big pranks to do n stuff. i figured in the city there'd be plenty people who were creative and smart and openminded. i figured i'd have communitee and belong and be happy.

when i got to the city i found the KIDS wheren't any better than in the mountains. maybe less so cuz they all got jaded on everything faster cuz novelty wasnt precious to them.. novelty abounded and was cheap. what else tho is thet i played it up. i wanted to impress and scare and shame them and i sold them the mountains.. i showed them this kid who could hunt and skin rabbits and grew up in a shack and tried to make myself different n bigger than them.

and then i got bored of them and i fell in with the scum fucks and i lived on the road and rails and got fucked up and was knee deep in bullshit every waking hour. and i loved the scum cuz they were broken and hurt and couldnt deal with people except to sabotage their sociability. they wanted to revolt and offend everyone to protect themselves from having to interact with anybuddy cuz they where all socially awkward and felt all broken and wrong. the scum fucks felt like they were broken and wrong so they decided

'if I'm broken and wrong then I'm gonna act like its on purpose. if i'm broken and wrong then I'm gonna love myself like that and think that I'm the one whos fine and right and everyone else is really broken and wrong. if I'm broken and wrong then thats the best thinbg about me and it makes me special and i can be MORE BROKEN AND MORE WRONG than anyone can imagine. broken and wrong are my heaven and i will wallow in this and make it my art. if they hate me its cuz i hate them and i want them to hate me cuz i'm so broken and wrong that i'm the most beautiful thing ever and i'll be so broken and WRONG that I'll crumble and hurt and all the nice normal people will see how beautiful i am when i disgust and scare them. their hate and horror of me will shame them as they appreciate
how tragicly beautiful i was. and i had more pain and hurt than they could ever conceive to bear. and then everyone will know how beautiful i was.'

and i lived with the scum for a while but i drifted off. cuz all the scum where trying to break themselves to love themselve the exact same way i was.. all the scum kids were just milking horror for beauty. and when your knee deep in counter culture and its codes and behaviour and its COMMUNITEE then you get incestuous and dont make sense to anyone outside the counterculture... my hurt and destruction wern't to be counterculture.. i needed them to be universal.

so i went and lived on the streets in the big city by myself and i went to a dark broken poor scarry city. and now i was 'hi, I'm mary belle ! I'm a hillbilly and a scumfuck ! and i was adding my new thing to that. i hung out with crackheads who wanted to fuck me and who could barely keep intelligible and i spent hours with my freinds watching them try to score or trying to steal shit to sell to score or trying to suck dick to get cash to score... and everybuddy wondered what the fuck is her deal?? white slut livin in the absolute ass of the ghetto .. she dont smoke rock and she dont sell rock or ass and she aint tryin to get black dick... why the fuck is she here? well i was there to get as hurt and fucked and broken as possible cuz thats the only way i was gonna feel right..
cuz inside i am HURT and BROKEN and WRONG and ALL FUCKED UP. and people need to understand that.. i need to make the inside show on the outside. so i cut myself and i walked in to places i should maybe not be and i got roughed up and i got myself so scarred with people trying to rape and rob and fuck me up.. and i got sexually used.. and i got unfairly fucked over... but now noone could see me cuz i was to far gone. i dont know who the hell could see me cuz i was so broken and lost no buddy saw me anymore.

except the people i was living in the shit with. i had this girl named LADY who was an old sex werker and a desperate addict and she saw the sweet sad in me. she was a dear to me cuz she was more hard than i could ever get so it just cancelled out and all she saw was the sweet.

and there were theese addicts and homebums i knew and they called me on how i was trying to breakmyself and they said what the hell dumb girl ??! you are young and smart and you got opertunity we dont got. YOU ARE ALMOST PISSING ON US FOR NOT TAKING YOUR OPERTUNITIES.'.. but in the same breath they'd then say we know why yer doin this... we know that yer hurt and fighting with it...'

and that when i started trying to radicalise them all.. i was trying to teach health care comunitee lobbing mutula aid to them all but it just never got up and walked cuz everyone only knew how to fail to feel ok. 'specially me.

and now i dont wanna be broken no more. i want to get my shit together and be a nurse and be proud of waht i can do as a nurse. and i wanna be a regular folk and i can go talk to regular folk and not shame and scare them with my steet bullshit. and i wanna go back to the mountains with my family and the people who known my family for a hundred years and go to the town and the church and belong back there.

but i cant make myself.. i got a job landscapping, and i do good doing critical evaluation for the radical communitees netwerk and a girlfreind whos been real good for me and a house and ...

i'm fuckin it up.
i blew off the radical communities netwerk cuz they're slow and they dont even know the comunitee, and i'm to sad and fucked up to get to werk and they'r emad at me and i fucked up my semester at nurse school and


I BURNED IT DOWN AND VANNIYA IS GONNA HATE ME. cuz i do this shit.. i blow up and fuck up and hurt her..

and i do this to her cuz I WISH SHE WERE A MAN... theres men that hit on me but i'm affraid cuz i gotta tell em bout the trans... and the men i have been with, none of them yet has been half as loving and good for me as Vanniya... but being with a girl just fucks me up and fucks up what i mean. our whole relationship is me fighting her and trying to conduct things so I MAKE SENSE. so i gotta fuck up and fuck with and break another of the few good things i been lucky to stumble in to. 1

so i want to stop being broken and wrong and fucked.. and i manage to do it for a while but then i panic and .. its like i get affraid.. cuz i feel like i'm trying to get nicenormal and then i bump in to the TRANS. I'm trying to go back to where i left a town of a few hunred people and i'm a fucking woman now. or i'm with fuckin radical KIDS who are trained in their gender studies classes to spot trannys and they mighta heard rumours bout me anyways. and then i fuck up. and i just keep hurting myself and fucking up on purpose. WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS ?!? I FEEL LIKE I'M STUPID THAT I KEEP DOING THIS !!!


Mary bee... Ido that to... It's like you said about the scum kids... its a thing alot of us do...

and then she said it was the hurt and anxiety and worry. "I DONT WANT TO BE TRANSI DON'T want to be part of some stupid club for trannys. i quit the punks cuz its a counterculture and self destruction and self exile are stupid things to build a culture on.. you just get more lost and alienated and your peers, the only people who can get you, are no fuckign help cuz they're trying to die to live to.

thats what i feel the tranny club is

its a marginalisation contest and a pity party... the only way to trancend being a self destructing fuck up is to stop trying to be a fuckup. same ways:
i'm not trying to be a tranny.

cuz this just hurts... all it ever does is hurt and slip me up and make me doubt myself and hurt. </b>

i waited for 20 seconds, " may-be... you ARE trans. its how you were born and your stuck like this. the most you could do is fix it as good as you can and then burry it fucking deep and it would still be there in your past and part of you. Its for life.

know what tho? i know one thing from being older than you...the hurt changes..

<td>it was 7 weeks ago that may-be had to come save me... I'd bolted out of mortville and gone travelling up north in the middle of the fucking winter. I'd just had a string of uber-failed micro-relationships, i wasnt grounded in anything, i didnt have stable frinedships... i just went nuts and went travelling... but i didnt... i just got stuck between the twin cities of fitlhy and the apple.. i couch surfed old friends and stayed semi high and did not much... and then i freaked out that all my north east freinds had communittee and projcts and lovers... i sunk in to terrible depression, fled again.. hid out on the streets and slept in a frozen factory, tried to fill up my head with constant novelty and survival so i wouldnt cry. maybe got on a train that she bought a ticket for, travelled 1200 miles, tracked me down, dragged me back on a train that she paid for two tickets on, and then sat in her yard watching me chain smoke and not talk all day, and then held me while i sobbed and wailed on the edge of the futon every night. i cried and complained cuz i couldnt conect with people. cuz i felt like i alwasy made stupid impressions and fucked up relationships. cuz i was boring when i wasnt stoned or drunk. cuz id fucked myself up enuff that i thought everyone else was boring unless they were stoned or drunk or crying and falling apart. i couldnt live life without trying to make it hard and fucked up. i had to feel shitty to feel ok and i really got stop blaming the trans for it but its a great scape goat. and i'm crazy and broken and thats why i'm like this. or maybe i just think i'm crazy and broken cuz the TRANS broke me and made me crazy. and i went in that circle untill i burnt all the hollow horrors out of myself while mary belle listened and related and cared for me. and i needed her to do that cuz she knew all this too...</td>

so I'd had a little revelation.

When you're trans, age is the greatest thing.

every year older i am i'm more releived. as i get older the lil ways i see my body getting crappier are more than compensated for by how i see my body getting more like i need it to be. the longer i try to be a normal woman the more it makes sense to me and those arround me.
and the hurt changes.

i told her:"so you're stuck like this but what it means to be like this changes with time. the longer you live in this... alot of the problems you have will get solved as you change and get yer bizzness taken care of... alot of things that fuck with you day to day you'll find tricks and think of lil ways to step arround confront and deal with... and everyhting that hurts that you cant do anything about... you get used to. a person who looses both her arms learns to accept a few limitations and push to get by and perhaps live well by adapting. its hard to be trans but you can get used to the hard parts.. they can become just part of daily routine... I'm starting to find myself walking through the world and something will hurt me and i'll be like "yeh, i heard that before, whatever" or maybe something will really hurt me, and i'll be there crying and feeling like i hate my life and in the back of my head i'm calm and i'm thinking 'thishurts but it'will pass in a few secs. i've done this before...'


so in all that, everything that hurts us prepares us to weather future hurts. the broken trans people know this and the broken punks know this. its an thing.


mARY BELLE sat in the weathered wingback chair and GAZED down at the rotten cement steps, cigarette butts, dead bugs, rust flakes, dead leaves, broken glass, empty bottles. "... it's a bad habit... you go on trying to kill yourself to make yourself stronger... its all for shit if yer hurting yerself and hurting yerself and yer always hurt cuz if life leaves you along you're hurting yourself so the next time life hurts you it wont be a shock. do you ever just wanna die ? i'm only living cuz my death would be a big fuck you to people who invested care in to me. "

i didnt face her but i faced the same scatter of debrise she faced, "i only wanna die BECAUSE it would be a big fuckyou to everyone i know... like look at me !!! LOOK AT ME !!! she was so tortured and fucked up that she died !!! you just thought she was annoying in life but now in death her pain is seen to be epic !! she hurt so bad she died !!! that she lived as long as she did is testement to her strength against a pain so heavy. woot woot."

i think maybe smiled for a half second ," i would want to die to stop being so embarassingly fucked up.... to bail on how bad a job i been doing... sinking ship..."

"this is why we hurt ourselves tho", i told her " we hurt ourselves to help us want to stop hurting"

the story of how I let thalidomide man molest me last thanksgiving

so last fall i was working in tremelo ward. i did maintenance at a black communitee center and food pantry. at thanksgiving we threw a giant all day tahnksgiving dinner for the huddled masses. deep fried 8 turkeys and we had about 80 activists and 16 actual communitee m,ebers show up.

one of them was thalidomide man. now i'm gonna call him thalidomide man which is a lil bit shitty of me. its rather ableist... its disrespectful to a segment of the population.. but this guy was just a shit head.

well... he was drunk.. way fucking drunk.. and beligerant as hell.. he was falling off his chair and knocking shit all over the place.. and he kept groping at any female within 3 feet of him and yelling "I WANT SOME PUSSY!! I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY FOR IT !!! I WANT TO FUCK AND LICK YOUR PUSSY !! COME WITH ME !!! I WILL FUCKING PAY YOU !!! I AM THE MUTHERFUCKING DEVIL YOU THINK I LOOK TO FUCKED UP TO FUCK GOOD!! I'LL SHOW YOU BITCHES !!! I WANNA GET SOME FUCKING PUSSY !! WHOS GAME ?!?

I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE HE WAS THALIDOMIDE GUY at first... but he had flipper/claw hands and his legs ended ats flippers at the knee joint... he had two artificial legs and was wearing a pinstripe suit. heard he was a circus guy years back,, then a handyman,, about 60 now ,reclusive...

well we had families with young children arround and the people who ran the place wanted him gone and i was the only one willing to do anything.

and he was sitting there just enilating his own dignity so bad that it was frightening to watch. it hurt to watch. so i thought, i'm pretty tough, it wont be hard to be sweet to this guy, walk him home, give him an out from this hole he dug himself in to. cuz he's being rediculous terrible for a reason i understand.

but also in the back of my head i thought i want to go somewhere horrible... i been depressed for days.. the last month had seen me sink bad cuz i'd been dating a boy, and when he'd found out i was trans it turned weird where he wouldnt kiss me or screw me anymore but he still wanted to date me part out of guilt part confusion.. and then he'd finally found a new girl.. one with a vagina.... and i had turned to doing lots of oral morphine sulphate all the time... and i blundered through my days working and getting wasted to distract myself from the mess in my head. and i wanted something horrible to happen to either break me or fix me...

so i walked thalidomide man with conveluted motives i couldnt get to focus. i kept him hopping along leaning on me and he kept ranting about unintelligible FUCK YOUR PUSSY !!!!! bullshit and ikept cooing at him " i know your a sweety.. your just to fucked up and you need to crash... i'll help you out and walk you home ok you ?? be a good boy..."

and i got him to his small room he lived in and he fell down about 4 times in 3 blocks and had smashed his head open.. and he grabbed me and held me and was like "DONT YOU LEAVE !!! I NEED YOU. I WANT TO LICK YOUR PUSSY !! SUCK MY DICK !!! PLEASE !!! I'LL PAY YOU !!!" ANd i was like..."oh... ok whatever..."

so i sucked his dick for a while and he couldnt get hard and he kept demanding that i take my clothes off so i did, and he was nakked with his legs taken off...
and then he was telling me to take off my panties and i refused...
and then he was telling me to take off my panties and he'd give me money and i refused and told him i didnt want his money.
and he told me to take my panties off again and i refused and told him to stop asking, i'd suck his dick but that was it.
and then he was yelling that i had to take my fucking panties the fuck off and stop swatting his hands claws away from my crotch and i was pretty much pulling them up while he was pulling them down and he was demanding that i give him pussy cuz he was gonna pay me after all.

so i got up and headed for the door and he threw his 4 foot body in front of my and locked the door and then grabbed me with both claws and demanded pussy again. so i told him "allright, you can suck my pussy if you give me the fucking money right now."

and he bellowed "BITCH !!! I SAID I'D FUCKING PAY YOU !!!! DONT FUCK WITH ME !!"

And i was like "i dont even beleive you have any money!"

so he stumped it over to his dresser and started turning it out screaming bloody nonscence.

and i thought to myself:
earlier this day i wanted to die. and i figured if i wanted to die then nuthing i did mattered. cuz if i want to die then every part of myself is worthless right now cuz it should soon be destroyed, and if i want to die then NOTHING CAN REALLY HURT ME.

AND HERE I AM RIGHT NOW. and this just completely sucks. this is kinna frightning and fucked and hurtfull and possibly dangerous. this isn't what i want to be doing. i want to go back to the thanksgiving thing and get more chiken wings in honey mustard, and i wanna go to my bunk and wear clean undies and a shirt and read a book till i fall asleep.

so i want to live and be happy and not hurt. this proves it.

so while he was rumaging though his dresser i bailed out a window and ran a block in just my panties with all my clothes in a ball in my arms and thalidomide man hollering at me calling me a bitch.

but his top speed is about 0.6MPH so i wasn't that scared.

mary belle looked not-unhappy when i looked at her, "Thats the exact kinna bullshit i would pull." she said.

"i know..." i said. i didnt articulate what i was thinking which was thati knew pretty much the same thing had happened to her a year ago when she let herself get raped in a park and that my feelings about theat incident where similar to what could be considered jelousy

but she prolly figured that out anyways. cuz we're like that.

"so yeh..." i said instead. "its all about the simple pleasures, or sumthing blah blah blah..."

"you are like my mom if my mom was a complete fucking wingnut fuck up who raised me all damaged", may-be replied.


in the morning a very upset Vaniya showed up. the fire had snuffed itself right when we left. we destroyed a chair and the top of the table was all.and fucked up the wall. and the floor boards. and the smoke damage. and the terrible wet mess the fire men made. they trampled alot of shit and the sheetrock where the fire was was pulled down.
really hardly anything had burned, mostly their house smelled bad and was really wet and had dirty sheet rock chucks and soot everywhere.

she and marybelle sat talking for hours on my porch and then they left all renewedly happy. Vaniya thanked me for being mary belle's rock.

we never told her that I was technically the one who set the fire. may-be wanted credit for it anyways.

and that is how self destruction can be a positive thing :)


YEP. A Library Gallery of ancient Trans Rants from back when i was young and angry. Thank to the Bio-s for trammpling my will and spirit !!
With my soul crushed I can now function as a blank eyed drone in society and not cause any trouble!!
yay !! I'm so emotionless with no soul and I'll never feel again !!!

THIS WAS WRITTEN years ago when i was young and sensitive (now i'm old and jaded). Fuck off with the hurt feelings hate mail. Stop disagreeing with me or i'll ride my bike to your town and hit you. Alot.

Get off estrogen and dose on Psychmeds

I think this link goes to the index but i havent tried it.