FOR YOUR TRANGxIETY ATTACKS
I'd Rather Be Installing A Toilet At My House
But I'm Obliged To WRITE a Buch Of Trans Rants
cuz i have this weird hobby where i pretend i'm some kinna TRANS ACCADEMIC and i have to work on my WEBZINE and my workshop for tranny summer camp
<td> so i need to force myself to wallow in trans crap for a bit... i havent been in the mood to do this recently... i'm to in a good mood what with the boyfriend and the nice summer and i got other projects like fixing my house and building instruments and i have plenty other things to write and draw about...
right now i'm coasting on this minor thing that trans-pissed me off yesterday. that and that i woke up hung over. those where enuff to get me to drag myself to the computer center and sit down and write a few crack pot rants... but now i've checked my email and made a bowl of macaroni-n-cheez in the centers microwave and i'm really jonesing to fix my toilet.
i dont even expect people to read this shit. i'm sick of trans rants. its alwasy the same shit we complain about. mostly just alienation and anxiety about feeling alienated. and alienation fallout about how it makes us have social anxiety and worry that no one will ever fuck or love us. or worry that we'll never really be allowed to walk with the normals without being their class clown or pet freak or marginalised friend point or fill in the blank ___________________________.
the main problems trannys face is anxiety and obsessive ruminating.
a good way to manage this is recreation drug and alchol use.
actually fuck that... tranxiety is an excellent excuse for recreational drug use. thats one of the things i'm gonna scribble about in a minute. ALL TO OFTEN I SEE TRANNYS RANTING ABOUT OUR FUCKED UP HURTING LIVES AND BLAMING THE TRANS FOR OUR fear hurt and isolation feelings. I feel its important to check ourselves alot when we do this. alot of my problems certainly are influenced by being a grown-up, semi stealth, aging punk ass trans woman who used to be a self destructive gender variant demon who used to be an angry stupid defensivly queer kid who grew from a frightened and implosive little child who lived with this terrible crushing panic that IT knew something was wrong with IT. but I'm not just trans, i am also crazy.
i been crazy since the get go. i'm not even gonna get in to it. so its always been important to not just blame all my problems on the trans but also give my own weakness and mental illness some accolades also. and i feel i should be able to blame my parents a bunch too but thats just cuz my parents are horribly neurotic disasters. i used to like blaming society too but you cant really blame society... society is just thermal eqilibrium. everything that sucks about society is a direct effect of that life rose up from slime on earth a billion years ago mostly by accident.
now i'm totally not making any sense any more but what i think i was orrigionally trying to say was somethign sort of like that: we shouldnt blam our problems on our lot in life, but we have this gift of so many things against us that we can use to justify our problems.
Its not cuz i'm trans that i'm a fucking unemployable emotionally wrecked self destructing dirt bag... i'm like that kind of cuz i'm crazy. and i can kind of blame that i'm crazy on that i'm trans but thats some chiken and the egg stuff. really i'm just a basket case space cadet and being trans and crazy are my excuses. THEY DONT NESSESSARILY SPECIFICLY CAUSE IT, but being trans is a big fucking annoyance all god damn week long, and being crazy helps keep me entertained but it slows me down a lil. so because i'm all fucked up like this I DESERVE TO BE AS FUCKED UP AS I WANNA.
IN FACT FUCK EVERYBUDDY WHOS NORMAL i dont care about those assholes... being trans (and crazy too!) is my excuse to be better than them. i have way better problems than fucking normals and i deserve special treatment for this. i'm gonna walk arround wasted when i have nothing better to do and i'm going to hate everybuddy and i like to shoplift a little and steal things out of peoples garages and piss on the sidewalk. i should start hitting everybuddy. i been fixing to kick someones ass for a while... i dont care who, next person who pisses me off and is smaller than me. i been punching my friends for any little reason more often recently and i want to really work over some stranger. i love my fist conecting with a head. I WANT VIOLENCE VIOLENCE VIOLENCE. i've spent way to much of my life as a pacient calm and empathetic person (seriously i have). i want guns !!! i want to jump in the yard where theres a big junkyard dog tied up and cut its throat with my pocket knife and pull its entrails up on the clothes line.
theres nuthing wrong with me, you fucks !!! THERES NUTHING WRONG WITH US !!! CRAZY TRANNYS WORK HARDER THAN ANYONE... WE DESERVE THE FUCKING WORLD...
THIS WHOLE GODAMN FUCKING SHITTY PLANET IS OURS YOU STUPID NORMAL BIO FUCKS !!!! YOU BIO NORMALS ARE SHIT WORTHLESS AND CRAP !!! DO WHAT I FUCKING SAY !!! LINE THE FUCK UP AND LEMME HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH A HAMMER !!! PUT YER FUCKING HANDS DOWN AND TAKE IT YOU WEAK LITTLE SHITS !!! I AM BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG. YOU FUCKING OWE ME ! YOU USELESS NORMAL PEICES OF WEAK WORTHLESS SHIT.
MEDITATIONS ON HATE
postscript i'm happy to finally be tapping in to the exact right kind of anger and hate i've been chasing for years. one of the things i wanted to talk about today was hate. i meditate on hate alot. hate is my mantra... for so long though my hate has been a front... all my shitty negative hate hate hate fuck off ness is actually hurt... i take all my hurt and flip it backwards and put it through a fuzz box so it looks like hate. hell i dont think anyone was even fooled... no one close to me at least. i just wore hurt like chains and dragged it arround and named it "hate" cuz i liked my hurt like a pet cat and i wanted to give it a name. when i felt sad and lonely i'd call up my cat "hate" (hurt) and i'd pet her and hold her close and she'd comfort me and keep me company. FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE I'VE BEEN EMBRACING HURT AND MY CHERISHED CLOSEST FREIND AND CALLING HER HATE SO I WOULDNT FEEL EMBARASSED OF MY SICK PERVERSE FETISH.
NO.... no wait there was hate... i made hate of that hurt... and it was all on myself. i have hated myself for as long as i can remember. all i remember from that fucking childhood that i have spent alot of time bruning out of my brains with drugs and alchol and lil walls i build in my head... all i remember is frustration and feeling just completely lost and wrong. DOES EVERYBUDDY DO THIS ??!!? DO ALL OF YOU HATE YOUR MISERABLE WRETCHED SELVES ??! "i'm the worst thing in my life" , is what i've been telling myself for years..."i think wrong and act wrong and alienate myself from the whole world by doing so... every thing that is ME is the things that make me not belong... i make all my problems and anxiety and lonliness and lost ness..."
why the hell is this all my fucking fault ?!?!?!
I WAS FUCKING BORN LIKE THIS. THIS IS HOW I AM.
i like me. i have always liked me. i am my best best friend and i have been taking care of me for my whole life... i've been strong and tough when the world hurt or scarred me. i have carried my miserable wretched shitty self for THOUSANDS of miles while i cried and hurt and felt like dieing. I've cared for and loved myself and worked to give myself a good life while i've felt lost and pointless and wished i'd just die.
i am beautiful and sweet and strong and good AND I'VE HATED MYSELF FOR MOST OF MY LIFE ?!?! LIVED LIKE I WASN'T WORTH SHIT ?!? LET PEOPLE WALK ON ME AND FUCK ME ARROUND !!??
I have HATE... i have a fucking lifetime of HATE.
i have a fucking revolting maggoty mountain of thick festering rotten HATE. and i need to clear the land where this mountain sits so i can build somethign else. so i'm gonna shovel this SHIT off of me and on everyone else and NoOne is going to fuckin stop me.
Complaining like This is FUN !!!
TransRants are boring... Especially When They Just STREAMOFCONCIOUSRANTONANDON like this.
dont read this shit.
this is all the same crap y'all rant about. over and over. i might barely read it when you write it. cuz no matter which of us does it its the same hurt and hate over and over again till we die. we dont talk like this FOR eachother. we talk like this to let off our own steam and calm down. the main function of sharing it is to remind eachother that we are all fucked up like this and encourage eachother to vent so we dont have to see our friends break
so...now i'm gonna type the actual rant.
its gonna get its own entry cuz this went long..
so the entry after this one is a bunch of me whining about pronouns and why i dont know what they are...
BEWARE OF TR*NNYS WITH BLOGS !!!
I DONT KNOW HOW YOU FOUND IT, BUT YOU ARE IN THE TsPx ARCHIVES !!!
YEP. A Library Gallery of ancient Trans Rants from back when i was young and angry. Thank to the Bio-s for trammpling my will and spirit !!
With my soul crushed I can now function as a blank eyed drone in society and not cause any trouble!!
yay !! I'm so emotionless with no soul and I'll never feel again !!!
THIS WAS WRITTEN years ago when i was young and sensitive (now i'm old and jaded). Fuck off with the hurt feelings hate mail. Stop disagreeing with me or i'll ride my bike to your town and hit you. Alot.