Snappy Answers to GENDER.ORG’s Stupid Questions
What is “transgender” supposed to mean?
Originally it was supposed to mean this one person and her close friends. Then it meant everybody who wasn’t cool enough to publish their own magazine. Then it meant everybody who read the magazine. Then it meant everybody, then it didn’t. Then it meant old stick-in-the-mud people who hadn’t upgraded to Clever Insider Language 2.0, but since 1.0 became freeware the usage persists, especially among non-profits looking to increase their noncommittal inclusion quotient. Right now, the true meaning of “transgender” is being reviewed by a committee and should be finalized by 2060.
Aren’t transgendered people just flamboyant homosexuals?
Honey, these days flamboyant homosexuals aren’t even flamboyant homosexuals anymore, and it’s a damn shame too. Once not so long ago, a Gay Pride parade was a chance to see people kiss, cheer, and chant snotty things about their parents. Now its like the Mummers only with fewer sequins and more beer. And fewer accordions. If transgendered people decided en masse to study the accordion, perhaps the flamboyant homosexuals would return.
Aren’t transgendered people sexually perverted?
Deliciously so. Transgendered people are such raging perverts, they can’t even talk about it in English; they have to use their own secret perverted language. They buy special perverted sex toys from perverted web sites and do perverted things to their pervert friends. They have secret perverted conferences in perverted hotels where they make perverted movies and zines about their perverted exploits. Also you aren’t invited.
Aren’t transgendered people mainly prostitutes or shoplifters?
Well, if you believe the media, transgendered people are actually mainly serial killers. At night we stalk the streets and lure unsuspecting normals to us with our prostitute-like disguises. We have a special fondness for security guards, especially if we can make them chase us first. Transgendered people can use their Heels Of Power to escape but security guards have to use their leg muscles- it tires them out, you see, makes them easier to kill.
What makes a transgendered person want to change sex?
Persistent and annoying questions, usually. Also, Conan O’Brien. Nobody really understands why though.
Aren’t transsexuals just men who want to be women?
I have to ask. A lot of these questions use the word “just” freely. Like I woke up this morning and heard on the news that there was a whale in the Schuylkill river. A freaking twelve-foot-long beluga whale! I didn’t even know there were fish in the Schuylkill! So what is with your question? I mean “transsexuals are just men who want to be women”- bo-ring, been there, done that, nothing more to see folks… is that what you’re asking? Is Helis “just another cetacean”? Have we completely lost our sense of wonder?
Isn’t a “man in a dress” just out to solicit sex from other men?
Conclusive research aimed at helping men who wear dresses to solicit other men has turned up a few startling conclusions. Specifically, they are completely misguided. In almost every case, better results could be obtained with a t-shirt that says “You Make Me Bark Like A Dog,” for instance, or “Just Do Me.” Ballcaps, especially emblazoned with the logo “Nine Inch Dick,” were also strongly correlated with more successful other-men sex solicitation.
Aren’t transgendered people just drag queens?
If only. Sadly, most transgendered people have the same tedious senses of humour, questionable fashion, and stage fright as the rest of us. Put them under the lights at a drag show and they’d last as long as cheap foundation. Which is why they’re usually in the audience with you.
Isn’t being transgendered just another deviant lifestyle?
Yep. Just like skateboarding.