so the only reason i even felt like doing this entry was a minor thing last night... i was at a show and somebuddy who i semi know from arround asked me out of the blue if she was correct in assuming i use female pronouns.
fuck you bitch.
what i actually said was "um... i'm a WOMAN."
i hope when i said it i said it with just enuff disgust and piss in my voice. i think she felt embarassed for asking and shyed away but i was drunk and stoned so it was hard to guage. that and i dont want to be to bitchy when i say that cuz i dont want to look like some bio-fucking-normal can affect me with her stupid ignorant words.
i have this plan that the next time some bio-idiot asks me this question i'm gonna answer "pronouns? what are pronouns ?" cuz a few years ago i didnt know what a pronoun was... something from grade 5 english class... before a bunch of college queers started bugging about them...
but some one asks me what pronouns i use about every 2 months or so so i'm usually taken of guard when it comes. i kind of prefer "hey!! are you a guy or a girl ?? you a real woman ??"
cuz yeh... yes i AM UGLY AND FUNNYLOOKING. i was born broken and i'll be UGLY till i die... i think i'm cute and i get laid, so its easy for me to accept that i'm ugly. it's no big deal. feeling ugly frees me to go "fuck it" and dress like a teenager and flirt. i work what i got.
but when someone asks me "hey! you a dude or a chic ??" i'm still pissed off and my answer is usually "what ?? what the fuck is that supposed to mean ??? fuck you faggot!!" but it feels fair. lots of people cant tell. i am a woman... problem solved. or sometime they prolly know i'm a tranny and they just want to piss me off... what ever, fuck you you idiot. i'm still a woman. so in there eyes i would be a woman whos really a man or a man who thinks hes a woman... technically if thats all their brain can understnad then it is SUFFICENTLY ACURATE.
NAH ... i'm fulla shit... fuck thos people...
but i still hate ignorant bios asking me my pronouns.. the people fucking with me on the street... thats once or twice a week (when they aint hitting on me and trying to fuck me the rest of the week) they noticed i'm broken and ugly... they be ignorant... i laugh it off cuz this world is full of fuckin idiots. educated sensitive queer punks asking me about my pronouns piss me off.
i know i got plenty gender queer gender variant and less passing or passing focused out trans siblings. i remeber a few years ago when i rocked ambigious gender and would have loved to have my gender choices respected and aknoledged... but you know what i wanted most when was gender fucked? my whole attempt at non binary gender was me trying to accept myself as gender A with the flesh of gender B. if i had gotten only female pronouns when i was a "boy who was like a girl" then i would have been the happiest lil kitty... i let people use wahtever pronoun they wished and said i dint care AS A CURTOUSY TO THEM. i thought corecting people and asking to be considered female was to much to ask with my weird presentation and my betraying flesh screaming that i was a liar. i felt like asking people to see me a certain way when they couldnt decide..... it felt stupid... i refused to beg for respect, i wanted to comand it.
thats why i did this transexual bullshit. i like my body better now and my head is much better with my chemicals changed over, but i did this for them. i fucked myself up for the normals. i took my health body and broke and twisted and torture it untill i formed this broken ugly mangled weird awkward womans body that i'll wear, in public, before lovers, and in the mirror untill i die. i have to live in this fucking body. i have to interact with the world out of this fucking body. i have to like myself and be comfortable and try to fit in to the world and participate and belong in this broken fucked up body.
i know its fucked up...i know what i fuckin look like.. and i'm lucky too cuz i pass most of the time... but the people often read me if not occasionally then eventually.
But i did this for you fucking normals. i did this so you fucking bio-normals would understand and respect me. why the fuck are you still asking me what i'm supposed to be ? am i that fucking weird and ugly ?? i have a womans name and i have tits and a womans haircut and i'm wearing a lace camisole and a bra.
is it the pants ?? the wallet chain ? the work boots ?? do i need a dress and makeup ?? is it just my fucking body? cuz i know its fucked up but its not THAT fucked up... i thought i was cute when i left the house.. i check myself in the mirror ten times as much as y'all normals do... you fucking nromals get to slack... y'all can wear whatever you want... y'all can look like utter shit and not worry about loosing your fucking gender in society.. I'M TRYING TO BE PROUD AND RESPECT MYSELF... i see all these (non trans)girls who are my peers... y'know... ugly fat awkward looking girls... it should be awsome that i'm a tough dirty chic with muscels and shitty tatoos and a lil beer gut... i want to wear ugly dresses and shitty whatever clothes but %90 of what i try on i cant wear cuz it shows whats wrong with me. i hate you fuckin normals and yer easy shit.
whats do you mean when you ask me about my pronoun? cuz your telling me i'm funny looking and you cant tell what i am... IF YOUR SO SMART AND SENSITIVE WHY DONT YOU INTUIT A FEW FUCKING CLUES.... I DONT LOOSE ANY SLEEP OVER SHITHEADS HARASSING ME IN THE STREET BUT I LIE IN BED FEELING LIKE SHIT CUZ YOU'RE IN MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS AND YOU FUCKING COME UP TO ME AT A SHOW TO TELL ME THAT I'M LOOKING VERY TRANS TODAY.
i wish i could let them feel my hurt. a year in my head would kill a normal.
BIO-PEOPLE ARE SUCH IGNORANT PIECES OF SHIT.
BEWARE OF TR*NNYS WITH BLOGS !!!
I DONT KNOW HOW YOU FOUND IT, BUT YOU ARE IN THE TsPx ARCHIVES !!!
YEP. A Library Gallery of ancient Trans Rants from back when i was young and angry. Thank to the Bio-s for trammpling my will and spirit !!
With my soul crushed I can now function as a blank eyed drone in society and not cause any trouble!!
yay !! I'm so emotionless with no soul and I'll never feel again !!!
THIS WAS WRITTEN years ago when i was young and sensitive (now i'm old and jaded). Fuck off with the hurt feelings hate mail. Stop disagreeing with me or i'll ride my bike to your town and hit you. Alot.
Get off estrogen and dose on Psychmeds
I think this link goes to the index but i havent tried it.